Archiv für den Monat Mai 2015

side effects

this is day 5 after chemo no. 4 and I am having an off day today, so reason enough to write about the side effects.

4 chemos of the heavy kind is really enough. I am starting to forget how it felt when I was fit, healthy, jumping around, busy, full of energy. I am happy when I can sleep, and at least taste something, a cool juice, or a cup of tea, without the metal on my tongue. thats all I am happy about at the moment really. everything else seems so far away.

my muscles don’t work properly. I drop things. this total all over fatigue is killing me. the heatwaves are making me angry and the heartburns are so painful. my skin itches and my face looks horrible. red, pale, burned, I don’t enjoy looking in the mirror. my hair is gone, thats okay, but I am worried to loose my eyebrows and laches. they are the only reason for looking in the mirror each morning. are they still there? this 4th chemo will take them away too, i am sure of that.

my immune system is so low, that i caught a cold. not hard with two school going kids, and not hard to hit me with the hammer. 

on top of the ‚regular‘ side effects I am suffering from, there are other side effects that you just get for free. free vouchers for other peoples shit and stories about other peoples illnesses. ‚ did I tell you about my cousins friends sister? she suffered from pneumonia and than it turned out she had cancer!‘ and ‚ you know what my neighbours daughter had to go through last year.‘ they all survived it, thank god. so apparently so will I, if I have to believe all dog walkers and other strangers who just start talking to me on the street. Because thats it! I am ill, so they only thing I want to talk about and listen to is other people’s illnesses! 

looking ill is another thing. when I am going to the supermarket and people just stop and stare at me. you can read the ‚aawww‘ in their eyes. than the aawww’s go further towards my shopping basket. let’s judge whats in there, because healthy people are allowed to buy chocolate. I am not. And if I would let it happen, i probibly would get some more free advice about the diet I should follow.

please…. cheer me up! I am having an off day! and there will probibly be more of those in the next coming sessions of chemos. I really don’t need more shit, sorrow and sadness. just bring me happy things, give me some of your daily joy, your jokes, funny stories. But most of all, give me some of your healthy endless energy, cause you don’t have a clue what it means to be without.

I am a lucky girl

this might be a strange title in my situation, but I am a lucky girl. 

I have spend a couple of hours again this week transfering money to doctors and hospitals and by now and since I am ill the total must already have reached over 15.000 Euros worth of bills within the first 3 Months.

I am privatly insured in Germany which means all bills go straight into my letterbox and so I see what each part of  my treatment costs, how many doctors and laboratories are involved without me even seeing them personally.

I am lucky I am insured and I am lucky I live in Europe where this business of health care seems to work this way. But more and more I also realise I am part of a huge money making business now, so I can’t believe my luck. Finally I am successfully suporting a business, and they are making great money out of me.

But this money making health care business has a dark side. Because at the end of this treatment, lets hope sometime at the end of this year, the total costs of treating just one person, must have reached a loose 100.000 Euros. At the same time in Europe we don’t give a fuck about single people outside our health care system and we just let them die. 

Weither they come in 1000ths on a boat as refugees, or weither they life in war countries, we just let them die. for me the difference in this luxury treatment for one single person and not giving a toss about others, because they are just unlucky to live in the wrong country is wrong.

I saw a documentary about people in Asia who just don’t have the money to get an eye operation done, which will give them their eyesight back. children, women or men, just can’t afford this and therefor can’t work or go to school which only adds up to their poverty. And you know what? This operation for giving them their eyesight back to nearly 100% only costs a 100 Dollars locally!  ( Have you ever met a doctor here in Europe who operates for a 100 Dollars by the way?)

I wish I could reject parts of my treatment, ( where I am sure it’s all not needed and only done because I am privatly insured ) and ask, can I use this money instead to help some kid getting its eyesight back? or even 10 little kids or a whole family? How much of this 100.000 Euros just for me is really necessary to get better again, and how many percent of this budget could I actually give away to help someone else, who is not as lucky as I am.