this is day 5 after chemo no. 4 and I am having an off day today, so reason enough to write about the side effects.
4 chemos of the heavy kind is really enough. I am starting to forget how it felt when I was fit, healthy, jumping around, busy, full of energy. I am happy when I can sleep, and at least taste something, a cool juice, or a cup of tea, without the metal on my tongue. thats all I am happy about at the moment really. everything else seems so far away.
my muscles don’t work properly. I drop things. this total all over fatigue is killing me. the heatwaves are making me angry and the heartburns are so painful. my skin itches and my face looks horrible. red, pale, burned, I don’t enjoy looking in the mirror. my hair is gone, thats okay, but I am worried to loose my eyebrows and laches. they are the only reason for looking in the mirror each morning. are they still there? this 4th chemo will take them away too, i am sure of that.
my immune system is so low, that i caught a cold. not hard with two school going kids, and not hard to hit me with the hammer.
on top of the ‚regular‘ side effects I am suffering from, there are other side effects that you just get for free. free vouchers for other peoples shit and stories about other peoples illnesses. ‚ did I tell you about my cousins friends sister? she suffered from pneumonia and than it turned out she had cancer!‘ and ‚ you know what my neighbours daughter had to go through last year.‘ they all survived it, thank god. so apparently so will I, if I have to believe all dog walkers and other strangers who just start talking to me on the street. Because thats it! I am ill, so they only thing I want to talk about and listen to is other people’s illnesses!
looking ill is another thing. when I am going to the supermarket and people just stop and stare at me. you can read the ‚aawww‘ in their eyes. than the aawww’s go further towards my shopping basket. let’s judge whats in there, because healthy people are allowed to buy chocolate. I am not. And if I would let it happen, i probibly would get some more free advice about the diet I should follow.
please…. cheer me up! I am having an off day! and there will probibly be more of those in the next coming sessions of chemos. I really don’t need more shit, sorrow and sadness. just bring me happy things, give me some of your daily joy, your jokes, funny stories. But most of all, give me some of your healthy endless energy, cause you don’t have a clue what it means to be without.