…“welcome to the hotel California. Such a lovely place. Such a lovely face. Plenty of room at the hotel California. Any time of year. You can find it hear.“….
my chemos are nearly done. only 2 more Wednesdays to go and than I will decorate the living room with balloons and drink Champagne. the therapy has worked well, the marathon is nearly over and I couldnt believe my luck and felt so strong and happy until today.
today I went into the hospital to discuss the operation which is happening 6 weeks after my last chemo. so for those who are interested the 1. of October is the big day.
until now I have been living with the information that it is going to be an easy operation. the tumor is nearly gone, and without giving too much ugly detail, a breast saving operation. In my head that meant something like a quicky, with 3 days hospital max. and than back home.
but I was too positive about all of that I guess. it still is in the eyes of the doctor one of the most easy options, but as I now learned about every detail, what they are doing exactly, and that the 3 days hospital will be 2 weeks hospital, it threw me right back from my happy feet on to the ground.
it makes me realise again, this is not going to be over so soon. this big change in my life will have all the time new information that can shock me. even if I really am one of the lucky ones, and after this full year of therapy it will never come back. I finally realise now that it will always stay one of the biggest worries. Whenever in future I will go there to do a check up, it can throw me back.
there are women at my weekly chemo, sitting in the same chairs as I do, who are dealing with their 3rd therapy. of course I should’nt think about that, it might not happen at all to me, but today it reached me finally, that the worries that it could come back, will never go away.
in this whole process, from the real beginning, right through the chemo sessions and even being the proud owner of a disabled parking license, I never called myself a cancer patient, never called myself ill, always was more positive than my family, pretty happy and strong.
all of a sudden something changed today. the operation news, the therapy ending, it feels as if I just lost hold of all my positive thoughts. I kept dreaming of the moment when it is all over. woohoooo! nearly there!!!!!
yes. now it is, nearly there. and than?
…“last thing I remember, I was running for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. Relax, said the night man, we are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave….
( lyrics from The Eagles- Hotel California )