talk through me

the other day someone asked me why i was not going to parties & invites for larger groups of people anymore.

my answer is often: ‚oh I am too tired‘

which actually is true, but not really a true answer to the question.

since last years diagnose and the IC drama and getting back into life, i did live a very strict day routine of pure priorities; kids, food on the table, washing, cleaning the house, shopping & walking the dog, at least 5 hours rest in between and back to bed at 20:00.

sounds pretty boring for you but I can tell you when life has nearly been taken from you, and you can barely walk, anything else but the main things to survive with your kids through each day, has become unimportant. its even so that when I shortly step out of this ‚boring‘ day routine and go away ( with the kids and dog!) I can get really scared and easily blame myself of living ‚unhealthy‘ again and that I might loose control. Sounds like food for a psychologist but I am aware of it all and of everything I do and don’t. should do or won’t. every fucking day. with chemo, therapy, pills, choices of food, pain, fatigue and resting time…  it seems a boring life, but if one of you out there lives a life like me, you know even the boring things like putting a wash in the machine can be a real challenge one can go really happy about!! If at the time I could ‚jump for joy‘ to stand up in a shower by myself, I would have!

I have had so much support and incredible love from friends and family, who helped me to fight and get back on track. there is this loving team of people right behind me who give me so much comfort and trust in myself and me in them. I don’t know where I would have been without them.

I love seeing each one of them regularly, at my place or out or at theirs, but one on one, sharing and having fun. what I can’t do is seeing large groups of people.

why that is took me a while to figure out.

but its simple. I am often immediately the center of attention in a group. ‚ psst thats the friend of … who has cancer and nearly died… ‚ something like that.

I am at a party for someones Birthday. Its not about me, its about her or him. I don’t want to be the star of the evening.

so I walk in there pretending all is cool and alright, just so everybody thinks I am healthy and good.

than I join a simple conversation… name any common topic people like to talk about… job, hair, things that happen to you when getting older; backpain, migranes, allergies, whatever…

and as soon as I want to join in the conversation and add some funny thing about my hair in the heat of the conversation, the room freezes. everybody is quiet, feels weird, thinks their  problems are nothing against mine.

but thats not true. I am not special or different and still feel the same things with or without hair. and next to that I also care and seriously want to know how my friends are doing. don’t ever compare a broken wrist with having chronic cancer. there is no similarity between the two and there is also no ‚ better‘ or ‚worse‘. both are shit. simple as that.

If one of my friends suffers, has pain, worries, I want to know and talk about it. the only way I can say that or explain is when I am just seeing someone alone or a small crowd.

I realized this is what people go through in wheel chairs, parents of a disabled child,  or a kid in a big class room who just lost a parent, a refugee who is in Europe without her or his loved ones…and for me, literally those are worse things than what I am dealing with.

survival is seeing the reality of it all, be realistic, sarcastic, rude, loving, funny, direct and real.

talk through people. search behind the curtains of a person’s disaster. It really makes the difference. X

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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